An Update

Well Evalie is now a month old. Its crazy how much she has changed in the past weeks. I am amazed at how strong she is and how she is so alert. I wonder what she sees and what she dreams about. I still aww at her when she is sleeping that i don't think will ever change. I guess there are moments when i am about to go crazy its been pretty hard trying to raise her. I still feel alone even though everyone is here to help me. I have the support of my mother and father but even then i feel like this isn't the way it should be. In the ideal world i would be married and have someone to look after both of us. he's missing out on a lot though i am sure he doesn't realize it. i wonder if he thinks of us in the middle of the night when i am up with her-alone, when i feed her-alone, when we rock and she falls asleep with that cute little snore-alone. I feel that some day he will look back and know that he has missed the key moments of her life... her first smile or first funny noise, the sweet sound of her cry. the way she stares with those beautiful blue eyes wondering about the world and what it has in store for her. but i have faith that everything happens for a reason, there was a reason she was sent to me, maybe to make me grow up and think about caring for someone else or putting their needs in front of my own. Hopefully she will grow up to be a strong lil lady, and knows that her mom loves her. i think the hardest part has been my situation. i hope to soon be on my own and hope that i can make it. I am in search of an apartment but that isn't going as great as i want it to be. its hard to live with my parents i forget that i have to check in with them even though i am 21 years old and knows how to take care of myself, no one really understands what i am going through. I have a baby that needs to know who her father is and i am willing to let him see her, i don't think it would be fair to her to never know who her dad was. i just wish that it didn't have to be this way. the whole thing has been hard on me it sometimes doesn't matter what i do its going to upset someone, whether its my mom, adam, myself. i just get caught between everyones opinions on how i should go about this at the end of the day i am tired and alone.